So, how do you live?
I know how to recover. Eat, promise to eat, eat more. Stand in the mirror, promise yourself that your being is beautiful. That the growing stomach and thighs are just growing with power over your toxic mind. Insist you are perfect and wonderful until you believe it.
But how do you actually live?
How do you not write, think, breathe the ghost of your disorder? You’ve spent a decade slowly killing yourself from the inside out. How do you find yourself without your sickness? I can’t help but wonder what will happen to me when I am no longer the snide, sick bitch with puke stains on her cheek. I can’t help but wonder how will they react when you are no longer a dying patient. Who will I become when I can no longer introduce myself as the girl with an eating disorder?
How do you live?"
I purged for twenty minutes and i forgot how good it feels after this is shitty
When I weighed 140 pounds,
I wanted a gap between my thighs.
I wanted light to shine through that gap
to get rid of the darkness in my soul.
I wanted to be light.
I wanted to fly
to get rid of the heaviness
weighing down on my bones.
I wanted to see the white
on my rib cages
so my mind wouldn’t seem so black.
But what nobody warns you is,
the only thing you are starving yourself of
For every meal that goes down the toilet,
a part of your sanity goes with it.
You do not get lighter, darling.
You get even heavier.
Your bones get weaker
and they will break at any second.
By thinking you can’t control anything else,
you try to control your food,
But what they don’t tell you is
you lose control
You were so desperate for light
that you let yourself be thrown
into the dark
just to watch the flames
of hell burning.
I don’t call my friends. I don’t even text them back half of the time. I feel really bad about that. I don’t know why talking feels so bad. I don’t know why talking to people who are the greatest people I’ve ever met feels bad. I just want to see all my friends and silently hold their hands so they know I love them very much even though I have a hard time answering the phone.